KrAyZiE

wow i cant believe there have been 100 ufcs. i started watching at ufc 1 too and i missed a whole bunch in between and feel back in love with the sport. w00t

and it made me blog. it is one of those chick flicks but it really got me all emotional. knowing me you wouldn’t be surprised. it made me start thinking about where i went wrong with everyone i ever loved. and the very last person i ever did love was exactly how this movie portrayed it

i have so many things going on in my head i cant even put them all together…i’m just sitting here not able to sleep now sigh…more to come later

So I had lunch with my friend the other day and my friend had called me the night before to confirm that we were going to eat. She ended up calling me from a mutual friends phone. Pulling a douche move our mutual friend was like ya I’m not going to pick up cause it is his cell phone. I for one have never EVER avoided people like that. I guess everyone else thinks it is my fault that we had a falling out. Maybe it is my fault I’m the complete hypocrite. Saying oh no one invites you to stuff and the moment it does happen you all but forget about the people you complain to (ie me). Maybe its my fault you bail on me with a lame ass excuse, but go do the same exact thing with others.

You probably know who you are. I’ll put you on blast. I dont give a flying fuck.

FUCK YOU DOCUHEBAG.

the state of california is not doing all that hot. we are losing about 500 mil from the UC system. Sigh hope we all get to keep our jobs. i also hope our 5% cut doesn’t occur

had a vegas trip this weekend….was kinda bleh

lost about 500 dollars and i had no more money sat night =(….sometimes i gotta be smarter with my money…at least i didn’t withdraw from the atm!

Around this time of year, I always start reflecting. I’ve always been so self conscious. How come I wasn’t ask to do this? How come I wasn’t asked to do that? Is something wrong with me? Doubt and uncertainty is always in the back of my mind. I live life scared and afraid of the unknown. With my low self esteem in my back pocket, I walk the world day by day hoping not to get crushed in the aftermath. I hope not to hit rock bottom again. The lowest of lows. I experienced the lowest of lows during one point in my life. At that moment of time when things weren’t really important I felt like there was no where else to go. I hit ground hard and as hard as it is to admit, I didn’t really want to live. After some time I realized I had to look forward. No matter how bad times got, there was always a ray of light. Always hope. 10 years later I look back and I don’t see many happy times. The negative definitely outweigh all the positive.

Now I sit here still wondering when things will look up. I lost everyone that use to be close to me. Be it my fault or not. Everyone has a different point of view. I lost my willingness to socially interact. I lost that general happy nature I use to have. I can’t seem to stare everyone I use to know straight in the eye anymore. Its like if I do they stare straight into my soul and consume it. I really don’t know how much more of this constant pain I can take. Trying to fit in is so god damn difficult.

Recently I had an extremely harsh falling out with someone. Someone started talking to me as I was doing my thing (ie playing games/researching/coding), so I’m not fairly responsive. Things end up happening and I ended up expressing how I felt. What truly is the point in catching up once a year or less? Do we meet up to grab something to eat and say oh hi. Hows work? Hows life? Blah blah blah all insignificant small talk. Do I need that? I already have enough social anxiety to need more. Is it wrong of me to say I didn’t need or want to meet up and say that they was no point in it? I’ve always tried to keep a close circle of friends expecting a lot. I give a lot and thus I expect a lot. Things aren’t always a one way street. Is it wrong of me to not want to keep these social obligations to maintain an acquaintanceship with someone? I really don’t know, but things didn’t end up turning well. I didn’t expect it to, but should i feel bad for it? Here I go saying I want people in my life, but I end up turning my back on people because it is not what I want.

I guess I am complicated

sometimes to not be disappointed, you have to lower your bar of expectations

is that something i should do?

so i just came back from a wedding reception. it was angie’s (howards older sisters) wedding. it was nice.

the weird thing was seeing people i haven’t seen in a year+. u look at each other then it gets awkward. you have the obligatory hi and wave. then it gets even more awkward lol. but it brings me back to the point of why make effort to salvage something so damaged. to me it is almost beyond repair. there has to be a deep heart filled conversation. probably with some meaningful apologizes and etc. something i doubt will ever happen.

but for now if your reading…hey whatsup

With my surgery I had some time off to reflect, which I tend to do a lot (ie over think stuff). What really happened in the last 5 or so years that led me to where I am now. Am I the source of all the problems with me and everyone? Am I some sort of anti social person? Who am I really? All real good questions I really have no answers for.

It might be me. I’ve only had two “best friends” in my life. The first one was Robert who lived around the corner from my house. He was probably my best friend when I was young. We met in school and things hit off. Then if I recall my past he had to move to Florida in 2nd or 3rd grade and that was that. The other one was probably Howard. I met him in 2nd grade and my sister and her sister were really close friends too. When we were younger we’d play together. He eventually moved a lot, but I always kept in touch with him. He still is a real close friend of mine. But as of now I have no best friend. I always lacked that in my life I felt. And it always made me wonder why. Was it because I am not an approachable person? Does my personality really such? I know I am generally a quiet person. I keep things to a minimal. I live my life with pretty basic necessities. I’m a very simple person. You can put a smile on my face very easily.

I recall something that plagued me for a long time when I was young and in elementary school. You know how people would walk home with their friends after school. I never had anyone like that. I would always try to justify why I would always leave class alone and walk home alone. Everyone I really talk to live in different directions and I’m the only person that lives in this one direction. Trying to justify it really doesn’t work. Could you really take a small detour just to walk my way. It is like 1 extra block of a detour. It would only mean the world to me. I don’t know….

In high school I really was pretty much alone my first 2 years of high school. People went there separate ways, but we all came back together due to our club SE. Even in that I didn’t feel like I belonged. The prime example of this was when each YMCA club would have 1 representative on the InterClub Board (ICB). So a few of the leaders all interviewed for it, including me. I was easily dismissed and having no shot. I recall people asking me why I was doing it, since I wasn’t going to make it anyway. In the end of the interview process, I was the one selected. It literally shocked everyone, because they never thought I’d get it. That really was a devastating experience. To have your closest peers easily dismiss you off like that was something I never expected.

Then there was senior year and the year after. I met someone so special to me, yet I didn’t realize it until I was to late. So, I was in one of my AP classes senior year and in this one class, we took a test to determine what type of person you were (ie leaders/followers) type deal. Senior year was terrible for school, in the sense that I missed a lot of class. My family was fortunate enough to move into a house that year and I wanted to stay in the same school. My house was now 15 ish miles away from school. Yes that does not sound like much but with peek traffic hours, it was about an 1 hour drive to school. I ended up missing a lot of class because getting up at 6-6:30 to make class at 8 was terrible. Anyway, back to the test. It was a two day test and I missed the 2nd day. I ended up being assigned to a group randomly I guess and boom that special person in my life randomly got assigned to me. Was it fate?

We pretty much got along pretty well. She was more traditional/typical asian american. With the strict parents. I on the other had was with the care freeish parents. As long as I was honest with them, they would pretty much let me do what I wanted, with reason of course. With my absence at school occurring a lot, she was my go to person for notes and events in class. We eventually talked a lot over AIM and she became that one person I trusted with everything in my life. She was the person who probably saved me during those years of deep dark depression. I never use to share anything with anyone, because I always thought showing emotion was a sign of weakness. Like be a man and suck it up type deal. However, I am no way near that. I am very emotional. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Yet, some how some way this girl got me to share and helped me through my life. It was one sided though. I’d open up, yet she was a total mystery to me. Either she didn’t trust me/didn’t want me to know much or I was selfish for not asking about her. I don’t know which. Things eventually went south with her as mixed signals were sent. Eventually I grew this fondness for her and she didn’t feel the same way. This pretty much tore my world apart and I still haven’t really recovered from it. I probably have spoken to her in 5-6 years now. Karen if you read this, there are a lot of questions I want to ask you about. Maybe I can finally close that chapter in my life.

Then comes the other side of my senior year + 2 years after. I made this special connection with this group of friends. Eventually things went sour also. The “ring leader” of the group finally got to me. The constant flaking of people in this group, constant lies, constant cover ups was what probably made me walk away from it all. The people would do one thing and say another. When people fucked shit up, they would not take blame and blame it on others. They wouldn’t put in the effort I put in to make the bond stronger. It felt like the effort always came from my end and it was never reciprocated. I remember the stupidest excuses. What kind of fucking excuse is, gas is expensive, so I don’t want to come hang out with you. Why don’t you come to me? After about 10 of those, it kind of gets old.

Even in college I rarely made any friends. I talked to 1 person a lot. He was a real cool guy, but I think our differences ultimately caused our doom.

So now I am here all alone, never having anyone or anything. Is it me? Am I took hell bent on finding a friend? Do I expect too much from people? I figure I only expect as much as I am willing to give.

All this I’ve never shared before. There is plenty of doom and gloom left in me. I really needed to get this out though, so I hope you appreciate it, if your reading it. I have nothing to be ashamed of. These are my true raw emotions. Its up to you to see how you take this. Its not on me anymore.

ps:
another funny story was recently, an old friend wanted to hang out because he felt that we have been disconnected. I ended up agree, but after a couple of flakes, things never amounted. very typical of my old days.

Peace

ewww surgery never fun…but i think things went ok….followup tomorrow so we shall see! mouth is swollen and liquid diet sucks =(