crossroads
I think I am at a crossroads in my life. I’m totally lost in my life right now. I really thought I could do what I do for most of my life, but the more I work the more unhappy I am. Its not the fact that I don’t like my job or what I do. The people I work with are wonderful, the place I work at has a great atmosphere. I am just having doubts about me coding forever or even my ability to code. I’m wondering is this the right field I am in. I’ve never really excelled in anything or invest a good amount of time into something. The only 2 things I really stuck with is basketball and my love of computers and all things related to it. We all know I’m not gonna be a basketball star or even a coach because my mind doesn’t even think that way. My love of technology and computers will always exist and that is something I can count on. I’ve been coding for about 8-9 years now? Yet, I still don’t feel like I am a great developer.
It is not the fact that I can’t code, but I don’t see myself putting forth that effort I have when I enjoyed doing it. I have brief flashes of brilliance here and there, but overall I don’t have that motivation. I’ve always lacked that drive or that motivation to make me great in life. I want to amount to something, but yet I can’t seem to get off my ass to make myself something I feel I should be. I’ve read articles where people say “you can’t learn to become a great developer, its born into you” I don’t believe it at all. I think if I work hard enough and push myself, I can become great. It really saddens me that I don’t have that drive. Where was that drive I had where I had to prove everyone wrong, did i lose my edge? All my life people have told me I’d amount to nothing. I had this drive during my time in high school. I wanted to prove to everyone I could hang. To all the fellow students that doubted my ability, to all the teachers that thought I was a joke, to all the family members who thought I’d amount to nothing. I had this drive. I had my edge. During college my goal was not to party. It was to get out as soon as I could. I did it in about 3 1/2 years. Where it took people 5 years in a CS program. Now I have a decent career making decent money, but I lost my edge. I kind of remember where I lost it took. There was a night where I felt really down and my friend and I talked for a little bit. I told her how I always had to prove myself and she told me that I shouldn’t think of life like I did. Thinking how the whole world was against you. I think I took her advice and that eventually led me here. I need that edge back. I think I have to motivate myself somehow and show to myself that I can be something special.
In other news, my personal life is doing pretty good. I’ve pretty much got rid of everything negative that surrounds me. I lost a lot of people in my life over the last few years, but I feel it might be for the best. I really don’t need people around me who say one thing and do something entirely different. I don’t need people who have their own agendas and only do what is best for themselves. I’m pretty content with my personal life. I haven’t really thought about her in a while, which is good. I don’t have those what ifs thoughts as much. I think my grieving process is almost complete. Its just every now and then I have one of those hiccups that brings me back to those wonderful memories I had. I’m not really looking for love or searching for anyone. The harder I look the more it will elude me. But I have found out some new ways to start conversations and to get some interest of girls ^_^.
We all know that song by Rhianna called Umbrella. Well Mandy Moore did a cover for it and it sounds so much better. I think it was meant to be a slow song. If you haven’t heard it I suggest searching it on youtube