its always a struggle for me to get works of importance out of my mouth…why can’t i just be an ass…life would be so much simpler…why do u continue to talk to me….why do u pretend to care….ur a fucking douche…lol shit like that never comes out of my mouth….cuz i am took nice? cuz i care about others feelings? i dunno sigh
I had a really nice conversation with my boss the other day. He knows I am putting all my energy and effort into work and it is probably breaking me. At times in the last few weeks I wondered if I still wanted to do what I did. If I made the right career choice. I come to realize that I have some talent in this field. I have to continue to motivate myself and work hard in order to be better. I have the mentality that I have to be the best at what I do and I know I am far from it in my field. I drives me insane sometimes. I’m sticking with it and I will become someone respected one day.
On a side note. I am taking a week vacation to clear my head and relax. Being burnt out from work hella sucks and I hope this vacation will help. Suite/gambling/eating…sounds stressful but it also sounds hella fun. I got a nice suite hopefully with a view. Staring at a view and losing all sense of time and perspective is what I hope to achieve. Its just so relaxing.
Peace
So I was in the bay area this weekend and I had a really moving experience. I as sitting on a hill watching over the SF Botanical Gardens and I had the rest of the hilly city in the background and I realized that my life needs altering. I was just talking with my cousin and she made me realize a lot of things that were wrong (i guess u can say that) with my life.
I realize I am anti social and am agoraphobic. I don’t have the best social skills. That is what I know I lack. It was never this bad and I finally realized this weekend that I am at the bottom of the pit. The fact that I think or try to be happy when deep down I know I am not is probably the root of the problem. I’m really considering seeing a therapist. That feeling that your not good enough, the feeling that the effort you put in is never the effort u get back and the feeling that your always on the back burner of peoples mind has always plagued me.
There has only ever been on person in my life that has made me feel loved and liked me for who I really was. I didn’t have to try, I didn’t have to think of things to stay, there were never awkward moments. It was so genuine. Then I had to do something stupid to screw it all. That was when all the awkwardness started to happen. Things didn’t flow, words didn’t have the same meaning to it anymore. I really miss her in my life. Its been 6 or so years now and I haven’t heard from her or been in contact with her. I just constantly think how different life would be if she was there just to guide me and help me through my pain. Be that one person no one else was. She literally saved me from death. There is nothing I could do to repay her. I am in debt forever.
Another thing that came to me was that work has been too hectic. I work so much and use work as a coverup for so many things. I am on the brink of breaking and I really need a break from it. I need to take some time and relax.
As I sit here bawling all I can think of is how endlessly hopeless I am. I don’t have a career path, I don’t have dependable friends, I don’t have that one person I deeply care about and I feel totally alone in life. I really need to do something about this.