KrAyZiE

so i’ve been thinking about moving out. i was looking at places today ^_^. kinda excited

This 4 day weekend has kind of been a bummer. I just bummed it all weekend basically. I turned 25 =)

So my bday was on thanksgiving this year. This is the first year in many where I didn’t cook dinner. All of a sudden my sister said I’ll do it and took it over. Without asking or anything. Cooking tday dinner was one of the things I look forward to every year. Its a time where I can get creative and add new things to the dinner. I really wanted to try a new mac and cheese recipe and a new stuffing recipe I had going on in my head. I never got the chance to. Like one of my favorite holidays was just taken away from me without being asked if it was okay. What is funny is my sister can’t cook. When you have to look at a recipe every step of the way, that isn’t cooking. That is just following directions.

Everyone was so preoccupied with my sister and bro in law. ZOMG is this ok, oh help her, blah blah blah. If it really was that much of a challenge, then why do it. What I guess makes me irritated was the fact that it was my bday and I know I have no one to celebrate it with besides my family. The only people that I care for in any way. Giving up on all my failed relationships. No more building, just throwing them all away. It seemed like just any other day. My sister basically didn’t care, since she had to cook dinner. My parents didn’t really care because my sister needed help and I was there least on there priority list. So basically I sat in an empty room and watched anime on my laptop the whole day. Probably the worst part was I didn’t even get bday cake =(. My sister had bought some chocolate cake because she loves chocolate and likes that cake. There weren’t even candles or anything. She “forgot”. Sigh. I feel so neglected sometimes.

I’ve been giving it some thought lately. I think I need to move out. To see how things go. I really need to be along. I need to live by myself. Depend on myself. This world is cold and unforgiving. I need to live in it and grow as a person. I can’t be that sheltered kid anymore.

i’m just feeling really lonely right now.

i hate it when people make u feel guilty. they play that sad puppy dog game. acting all sad and shit. they try to make it up to u and make u feel better. in the end it is just disappointment again. i don’t know why i fall for that shit seriously.

if ur gonna say something then mean it. don’t be a bitch and back the fuck out.

My life has always felt like an unanswered question. A string of days and nights waiting for something to happen but I didn’t know what.

Every once in a while, I get these dreams that are so powerful and strong emotions are brought out in you, it is kind of scary. I just had this dream the other day and it was about someone I really carried about. Everything I wish would of happened did. The past didn’t matter and things just went so smoothly. It is like my mind is telling me not to forget, but my heart wants to so badly. I woke up with such a high. I was energized and happy. It was really strange. It brought out these raw emotions from within. It is really making me reconsider some of the things I’ve been doing.

It kind of sucks, how u put all ur energy into things and yet no one really appreciates it….its just so demoralizing