So I had lunch with my friend the other day and my friend had called me the night before to confirm that we were going to eat. She ended up calling me from a mutual friends phone. Pulling a douche move our mutual friend was like ya I’m not going to pick up cause it is his cell phone. I for one have never EVER avoided people like that. I guess everyone else thinks it is my fault that we had a falling out. Maybe it is my fault I’m the complete hypocrite. Saying oh no one invites you to stuff and the moment it does happen you all but forget about the people you complain to (ie me). Maybe its my fault you bail on me with a lame ass excuse, but go do the same exact thing with others.
You probably know who you are. I’ll put you on blast. I dont give a flying fuck.
FUCK YOU DOCUHEBAG.
the state of california is not doing all that hot. we are losing about 500 mil from the UC system. Sigh hope we all get to keep our jobs. i also hope our 5% cut doesn’t occur
had a vegas trip this weekend….was kinda bleh
lost about 500 dollars and i had no more money sat night =(….sometimes i gotta be smarter with my money…at least i didn’t withdraw from the atm!
Around this time of year, I always start reflecting. I’ve always been so self conscious. How come I wasn’t ask to do this? How come I wasn’t asked to do that? Is something wrong with me? Doubt and uncertainty is always in the back of my mind. I live life scared and afraid of the unknown. With my low self esteem in my back pocket, I walk the world day by day hoping not to get crushed in the aftermath. I hope not to hit rock bottom again. The lowest of lows. I experienced the lowest of lows during one point in my life. At that moment of time when things weren’t really important I felt like there was no where else to go. I hit ground hard and as hard as it is to admit, I didn’t really want to live. After some time I realized I had to look forward. No matter how bad times got, there was always a ray of light. Always hope. 10 years later I look back and I don’t see many happy times. The negative definitely outweigh all the positive.
Now I sit here still wondering when things will look up. I lost everyone that use to be close to me. Be it my fault or not. Everyone has a different point of view. I lost my willingness to socially interact. I lost that general happy nature I use to have. I can’t seem to stare everyone I use to know straight in the eye anymore. Its like if I do they stare straight into my soul and consume it. I really don’t know how much more of this constant pain I can take. Trying to fit in is so god damn difficult.
Recently I had an extremely harsh falling out with someone. Someone started talking to me as I was doing my thing (ie playing games/researching/coding), so I’m not fairly responsive. Things end up happening and I ended up expressing how I felt. What truly is the point in catching up once a year or less? Do we meet up to grab something to eat and say oh hi. Hows work? Hows life? Blah blah blah all insignificant small talk. Do I need that? I already have enough social anxiety to need more. Is it wrong of me to say I didn’t need or want to meet up and say that they was no point in it? I’ve always tried to keep a close circle of friends expecting a lot. I give a lot and thus I expect a lot. Things aren’t always a one way street. Is it wrong of me to not want to keep these social obligations to maintain an acquaintanceship with someone? I really don’t know, but things didn’t end up turning well. I didn’t expect it to, but should i feel bad for it? Here I go saying I want people in my life, but I end up turning my back on people because it is not what I want.
I guess I am complicated