KrAyZiE

Around this time of year, I always start reflecting. I’ve always been so self conscious. How come I wasn’t ask to do this? How come I wasn’t asked to do that? Is something wrong with me? Doubt and uncertainty is always in the back of my mind. I live life scared and afraid of the unknown. With my low self esteem in my back pocket, I walk the world day by day hoping not to get crushed in the aftermath. I hope not to hit rock bottom again. The lowest of lows. I experienced the lowest of lows during one point in my life. At that moment of time when things weren’t really important I felt like there was no where else to go. I hit ground hard and as hard as it is to admit, I didn’t really want to live. After some time I realized I had to look forward. No matter how bad times got, there was always a ray of light. Always hope. 10 years later I look back and I don’t see many happy times. The negative definitely outweigh all the positive.

Now I sit here still wondering when things will look up. I lost everyone that use to be close to me. Be it my fault or not. Everyone has a different point of view. I lost my willingness to socially interact. I lost that general happy nature I use to have. I can’t seem to stare everyone I use to know straight in the eye anymore. Its like if I do they stare straight into my soul and consume it. I really don’t know how much more of this constant pain I can take. Trying to fit in is so god damn difficult.

Recently I had an extremely harsh falling out with someone. Someone started talking to me as I was doing my thing (ie playing games/researching/coding), so I’m not fairly responsive. Things end up happening and I ended up expressing how I felt. What truly is the point in catching up once a year or less? Do we meet up to grab something to eat and say oh hi. Hows work? Hows life? Blah blah blah all insignificant small talk. Do I need that? I already have enough social anxiety to need more. Is it wrong of me to say I didn’t need or want to meet up and say that they was no point in it? I’ve always tried to keep a close circle of friends expecting a lot. I give a lot and thus I expect a lot. Things aren’t always a one way street. Is it wrong of me to not want to keep these social obligations to maintain an acquaintanceship with someone? I really don’t know, but things didn’t end up turning well. I didn’t expect it to, but should i feel bad for it? Here I go saying I want people in my life, but I end up turning my back on people because it is not what I want.

I guess I am complicated