that i’d feel this way again. i haven’t felt this shitty since the very first time i confessed my love and was rejected. that truly devastated me at that time and it gave me some really shitty thoughts about life. i thought about doing things i would never conceive of. now i am back at that point and i have no idea how i got there. the situations are entirely different, there isn’t even a girl involved that causes me trouble lol.
i think my venting process was better than too and that makes me kinda worried about the days ahead. back then at least i use to write. i use to write and let it all out. the pain and sorrow would flow through my body and exit it. those were really liberating moments in my life. my writing period has stopped for so long and i dont see it coming back. back during those days i never had people to vent to either. i believed that i should be a man and not show my emotions or let things out. soon enough i found out that was really bad for someones mental health. now i’m back at that same position. i basically have no go to person. everyone i knew or once talked to on a mentally stimulating level forced out or left.
the outlook is bleak
I am really suffering. It has been a really long time since I have been this depressed. Literally I do not want to get out of my bed or leave my room. I am totally feeling like shit. I just want to crawl in a hold and never come out
You know some days u wake up and just want to hide in a giant hole and not come out. Yes it is one of those days
if this is all life has to offer for me
Like I promised earlier, here are some CES pics. I didn’t crop them, so they are huge =)
Veronica Belmont ^_^. My fav pic =)
Patrick Norton
Darren
Hak5 filming live
Saw veronica, patrick, roger. They were all so nice. They were happy and willing to take photos. Also met snubs and darren from hak5. They also gave me free swag. Hal5 stickers go! Pics to come when I get home.
CES has been fun so far. Loads of walking though. Not as much free swag as I thought there would be but maybe that is because of the recession.
So after about a 6months to a year of debating, I’ve finally decided to twitter . Read it if you want. We’ll see how long I continued it.
So today I got my tea shipment ^_^. I have discovered that I don’t really like Earl Grey. However, with milk and sugar it is okay. I think that is how most people drink it. But by itself I can’t really stand it. The smell of the blend I got is amazing though. It is so aromatic. I got my new batch of Gyokuro, which is my fav green tea. It cost me liek 65 bucks for a 10z tin. That tin last me for about 10 months, so its ok. My tea consumption only jumps during the winter.
Found this pic by fabu. Pretty cool pic of a scanned broken heart lol
So I’ve been listening to the new Common album. It is pretty good. It is more like Electric Circus. My favorite song right now off the album is Gladiator. The hook is pretty good.
In other news, work is hellish. There has been some production problems, and I have to add more stuff on my plate. The already large amount of stuff I gotta do in next year is already insane. A workable UI using an API I’ve never worked with in 3 months. That is a tight ass deadline. I also finally get to redesign a project I was given when I first started. I added bad code on top of existing code that functional, but not designed very well. We’ve recently ran into bugs and now its time to overhaul it. I feel totally responsible for it, but I should part way with the code, since the project technically isn’t mine anymore. We shall see.
I already have a New Years Resolution. I really want to focus and dedicate myself to my trade. I want to become more than this jr lvl programmer I consider myself. I want to understand things in a more detailed manner. There are programmers that I talk to all the time and it just doesn’t seem like I am on there level. Yes they all have 5+ more years experience, than I do, but do they all have that giant ass lazy feature I have. I can’t be using age as an excuse. If I want to get to the level where I think I can achieve, I can’t make excuses for myself.
So I finally have come to terms with the things that occurred during Thanksgiving. What can you really do about it right? Move on and accept it. Accept the fact that there is no one to depend on. I can’t hope something might happen. I can’t have that faith in people that they will change. You can’t EVER change a person, they have to change themselves. Fuck it, I’ve got to move on. Move on to the next chapter in my life. Yes the last 5 years have been dark and lonely, but that shouldn’t dictate how my life will run in the next year. I really got to gain that confidence I’ve always lacked. Once, I do that, if I do that, things will fall into place.
